Muse It

Ve are dun!

2010-09-25T19:13:00.000-07:00

MOm and Uncle Rick, I will officially be deleting this blog very very very soon. You will have to hijack another innocent child's vulnerable scripting center. I suggest Faith.

Unsure

2009-11-16T07:43:00.000-08:00

So I had an experience this weekend that left me bewildered. Like most moms who have spent years in diapers, dishes and antibacterial hand gel, the invitation to go out and have fun is a tempting pandora's box. We all know we need it. The box factor comes in when we realize that we may need to purchase spanx, get a haircut and actually apply lipgloss to rock our inner glam factor. But if you are desperate and it happens to be a part of a commitment to attend a wedding - you go for it.

As a closet introvert with years of social practice, I charge up my batteries for these type of events. So raring to go, I charged ahead full-steam. Having volunteered to help with the various needs of the weekend, I met many of the family members and friends. That being said - all went well until the reception. I put myself together and got ready to have fun. The dancing got going and I jumped in with my girlies to kick it up. I mingled and shmingled to my hearts content. But I noticed some crude attention from some of the fellas as I went along. I felt a little uncomfortable, but decided boys are boys and blew it off.

As a back history, I was raised in a conservative christian home. Guys were generally not the focus of my teen existence and I've never really learned the skills of relating well with men.

Back to the reception. So I finished up the night wondering something. "Am I comfortable dressing in an attractive way and being a christian?" Why this became an issue was because I had comments about my a**, and several comments about looking sexy and even f-bombs and sexual innuendos thoughout the event. One fellow in particular was over the line and down the canyon, so to speak.

Did I dress in too provocative a way? Did I dance in the same way? Did this affect my "reputation" ;) as a believer? I was with regular folks who weren't necessarily christians and who had been drinking plenty. Was it them or was it me? I've never considered myself sexy or tryed act that way. I've never flirted (ask my husband, I'm still trying to learn with him, poor baby!) and so I'm confused.

Any advice out there? Some male perspective would be especially helpful.

Something about...

2009-07-19T18:15:00.000-07:00

There is just something about a good meal. My dishes are piled high, bills are out and ready to be paid, laundry needs to be separated and I am in a bliss moment. I took the time to prepare this chilled avocado cream soup with handmade crispy chile-lime strips, handchopped pico and sour cream that Afton took from our cow... (oops, the sour cream came from Aldi's). Levi and I popped open cold Rolling Rocks and are eating together. Kids are asleep and it's a cool Sunday night.

Seriously, this kind of simplicity is worth the effort ;)

Afton's Cookie Kit Fundraiser

2009-02-24T18:36:00.000-08:00

I need to sell 10 kits by Mar 10. Would you mind helping out? The kits are only $10 a pop and perfect for Easter gifts/projects. (And they are FUN!)

file:///Users/bethany/Desktop/sc073065cb.tif

Sick o' the sick

2009-01-26T17:33:00.001-08:00

Lysol wipes, vitamins, airborne, nyquil, redi-tabs, hot tea, calling schools, Bah-bah-bah. I am sick of my family being sick! It has been a month.

I believe Afton has Fifth's Disease, Cedar now has pinkeye, I cannot talk-breathe-holla properly and Levi is a walking combo of all of these.

We are a hot mess. There, I'm done complaining. Just needed to shoot my thoughts into the universe.

Funerals are funny

2009-01-24T20:14:00.000-08:00

Funerals are funny. Funny strange. Could be the cold medicine I'm ingesting in obscene amounts and the unwise choice of high heels as footgear. My grandma died this week. She had wild fuzzy silver hair and was sharply funny. Her eastern European bluntness could stop you short when she criticized or fill your heart when she poured out her love. Independance,endurance,and inquisitiveness marked her path.

I will miss you my warm polish grandma. My homestyled slice of the city safe harbor. My intelligent friend-I will miss you

Breathless

2009-01-20T13:13:00.001-08:00

After watching/listening/overhearing parts of the inauguaration and pomp today, I was struck. I suppose I expected to feel and see what we've always seen and felt. Big words, Big hats, big parades and the sense that expectations would not be met. The sense that we'd feel the other wingtip fall tomorrow.

Unexpectedly, in the midst of everything - I felt a stream of simplicity and dare I say it...spirituality. The lack of a need to bluster. The pullback into quietness of soul with Yo-Yo Ma and the gang. In the past, it has felt embarassing to hope in our nation, or justice. There is the lurking cynic, the dark mocker and even my own apprehension that has said no to the element most basic in our human creation - HOPE. But today, it came unbidden, burbling up - melting elements of fear. What truly could happen if even most of our nation just began to try? To try harder? Bush's choices often often made our nation look like one large ass. Who wants to maintain that image?

This morning, who could not be moved to tears? Something real is happening here. Our nation desires it, the younger generations are demanding it - I pray to God that Barack and his buddies can stand under the weight of a nations hopes. WHat works for me is that Barack calls each American into responsibility and accountability. To step out from the shadows and not wilt with laziness. He's calling out to the best part of ourselves.

The sheer breadth of body movement down the length of the lawn was spectacular. I Have been there when it was 1/3 - 1/2 full and it seemed endless. Did you see that glorious mass?

Well, my girl Afton is sick so gotta go motha-love her bitty biscuits. What did you all think?

Long fatty post

2009-01-18T14:23:00.001-08:00

Winter purity

Tonight I drove through magic. The kind of quiet, late-night sparkling beauty that speaks to the luxury of being alone. I like the quiet danger of being out in a snow storm when things are a bit out of control. Its the same feeling I get on a motorcycle - powerful, vulnerable, and somehow a feeling a great stillness and rest.

Being a personality chameleon, I like being around people that draw out my vital streams. Always, in times of snowy unknown, I think of an unusual old friend. Have you ever met a young person that felt so seasoned from their life’s twists, that they seemed ageless, almost iconic? Trubert Flowers (yes, his real name) was (and I assume is) like that. In the height of America’s grunge period, I met this no holds barred American cowboy. Quiet, prepared and mischevious, I had never seen anything like him. Full on six-shooters, chaps, Wranglers and snapfront shirt. I rudely gaped in amazement the first time I met him. I was sure he was joking. Or a circus clown.

I traveled through Amarillo, his landing spot, several times. I’d join friends in sledding behind his horses and watching him break a horse. I even learned how to crack one hell of a long bullwhip – poorly, I might add. But my favorite experiences were getting caught with my girlfriends in his truck on the highway in snowstorms. I remember being pretty scared coming home with a few of my teammates from a church service in his truck. Winter storms blow up fast and nasty around the panhandle. It becomes quickly apparent who is prepared and who’s going to be waiting for a tow.

I watched Trubert, a man at ease in his element, comfortable with the unexpected and even enjoying it. He pulled car after car out of the ditches while we girls sat like idiots. I barely drove a stick shift –let alone that behemoth of a truck he tooled around in.

Observing him made me want to be stronger, less oblivious, and more prepared. So in the snow tonight, I embraced the strength of knowing more of who I am and liking it. When the wheels spun and the snow was thick, I remembered that I could be at rest; I could enjoy the purity of winter.

Yah, I did it.

2008-10-14T10:43:00.001-07:00

Just voted early.

Feeling pretty happy that although I was directed to several false locations, had to wait behind 35 non-english speaking individuals, had a sleeping baby laying on top of me and was holding A's french fries and my 13 lb purse in my voting pen hand - I did it. And we live in a country where I can - my looks, my gender, my mental status :) cannot keep me from selecting whomever I so choose.

I am excited about this election and encourage procrastinators like me to get in the absentee vote window - let's go people!

Afton's 1st drive-date!

2008-10-08T18:33:00.001-07:00

Obama-drama

2008-10-08T17:46:00.001-07:00

Jen, thank you for the reminder. Did I not lovingly suggest ever so long ago that Barack was one to watch? I swear this is the only election in all my voting years that feels like I don't have to choose between two big fat liars.

By the way, if I hear "Maverick" one more time, I'll never be able to watch that cheeseball movie again. Talk about verbal burnout. And for all you pro-lifers - I am still as hard-core as ever in believing in both the life of the mom and the babies - but if you are gullible enough to vote on one topic only for the leader of our nation...all I have to say is please use both lobes of your God-given brain. There are many ways to fight abortion and blindly choosing a candidate because of one topic is like blindly choosing a candidate because they are supposedly christian. C'mon people - whether at the local, national or international level we must look at the FULL picture.

Frankly, I don't dislike a person for voting their party. What I hate is uneducated voting, or even worse - getting the "list" from a pastor telling you that real christians only vote republican. Just peels my skin, that one.

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One more Cedar

2008-09-21T20:02:00.001-07:00

Today I took only Cedar to church. As we drove, I pointed out the geese flying overhead and shared how the point goose will lead and then fall back when tired and another goose will replace him and how they repeat this process for their entire migration. They "share leadership". (My not-so-subtle attempts at parenting the kids power struggle).

Cedar says, "Like worship". I didn't get the connection so her repeated it. I realized he was talking about what he sees modeled at the church. Levi and Theresa have "shared leadership" during worship. So I probed a bit and asked him, "what does it mean to be a leader to you?"

He remarked that "a leader protects and helps."

How simple and precious out of the mouth of a 6 yr old.

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Not just a ladle...

2008-09-21T19:55:00.001-07:00

While doing dishes, Cedar picked up the large soup ladle and commented under he breath, "is this for soup or for poop?"

I kid you not. He is scarred from Aftons turdlet floaties from 1 yr ago. Angie Ladd is scarred from Afton filling her kiddie pool with...well, y'know...and then making a beeline for the big kids' pool.

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turtle-brain

2008-08-04T18:23:00.001-07:00

So I moved into an area that is type A. Not generally a big deal until you have da wee ones. And they enter school.

My brain being the gift that it is, vainly struggles to keep above water when it comes to "Now make sure your child brings a turtleneck to school on Monday" turning into "Mom, no one else had a turtle at school on Monday..."

There is a strange underlying current in the brains of women on the A side. I'm not sure how to navigate these waters. I know I am a frustration, an amusement, sometimes even an irritation. Our world seems to be on the terms of the A type. I have actually taken jobs and responsibilities completely out of my league in these linear lines of work to try to grow and mature over the last 10 yrs. But over time, I've discovered I just feel like the weirdo.

What do spiritual, artistic people do that involves building bridges and not cloistering and complaining about A-land... I'm pursuing what that means for my little world right now. I've polished the outside for long enough and long for my inner rawness to get messy and find my voice in spirituality and art. My wildness needs my empowerment. I LOVE my type A friends and actually need them. I think thats part of the power and humility of community. It's just time for me to be over the sense of insecurity of not measuring up - because in these areas I will never in my weakness be as glorious as someone's strengths.

How freeing. How beautiful. Where is my dreadlock wig?

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Hup-two

2008-06-02T17:21:00.000-07:00

Well, enough is enough. As I have been able to shift into a more focused mamacita mode, I've realized an awful truth. Super-B was right. :)

Super-B and I complement each other in our parenting styles which usually turns out well. He tends to be more structural (which helps when I'm feeling tired or lazy) and I'm more gentle or preceptive (like when the w.d. smacks a Barbie on Super-'s face to wake him at 5am to play) We love them and want them to learn to think, not just obey.

Super-B said I was too soft, and too inconsistent. I've really worked on the inconsistency part - but how much tenderness a mom gives is a tough crossing to navigate. I go there by default. Sometimes the embarassing old-school "Protect them from the mean, misunderstanding dad" mental shenanigans crop up, too.

But there comes a time... I have always heard that if children will obey on the 3rd time, they will obey on the 1st. I've resisted this philosophy because I wanted to give my kids time to think about truly obeying. It worked at first, and obviously in time, fails.

As Levi has been working more, I've had to put on my big-girl panties. And I am tired. But I've decide I have the bootie to wear the panties which unloads like this:

Kids need to learn to respond to their mom's voice immediately, no excuses (except for hearing - we extruded 2 inches of wax from Cedar's ear today by candling -remarkable!)

1st time obedience is important, and so is the patience for kids to grow into that. Frankly, I still haven't and God loves the prodigal - but to help them avoid unnecessary pain because of good listening is common sense.

Sassy mouths must be quickly curbed in. The first time Cedar was incredibly sassy - I actually smacked his mouth. He started crying and so did I! Levi and I had talked for 4 yrs about how we would NEVER hit our kids in the face. It doesn't serve a purpose to smack a face other that to negatively shame. It was the weirdest instinctual reaction that I will never do again. Ugh - what a wake-up call to my lack of a plan and lack of emotional self-control.

We've now spent a pretty yucky week and a half shifting into a new gear - the gear of "Momma will not take your crap." Boy, I am learning and having to be humble in the midst of this. Can anyone relate?

A Nagger bites her tongue

2008-04-21T17:24:00.000-07:00

Every spouse has a pet peeve about their better half. I knowingly married a man with ADHD, which means I married clutter junction.

Yes, I do enter into the nag-nation when the trails of crap become too deep to navigate. But yesterday was the ultimate. The weather was gorgeous and I wanted to straighten out the garage a bit. When I had finally rediscovered the back of the dump corner (that place in the garage that arctic folk pile stuff until spring, I found IT.

Many months ago, my husband went bird hunting with his intrepid buddies. It was so cold that the hunters actually went to their own homes to finish up cleaning the birds. My children watched and learned all about "parts" of the birdies. And Super B left the bloody feathers all over that corner of the garage. ANd left a nasty bucket sticky with bird goo in the middle of it. Of course I asked Super B the next day to clean it up. And I asked 3 or 4 more times. It never happened. I swept up most of the feathers (they were being tracked into the house) and waited. Folks, I am biting my tongue. It is still there. Any bets on how long it will take? If I wasn't so grossed out- I would do it myself and shut up.

A lesson

2008-04-21T06:40:00.000-07:00

When you hear your child say, "Look mom- - paw prints!" and you do not own a pet...beware.

In the moment it took me to pour my desperately needed morning coffee, my whirling dirvish smeared both of her hands with the SUGARFREE apricot jam from her bagel and proceeded to coat my dining room table with "pawprints".

When is THIS stage over?

2008-04-18T06:19:00.000-07:00

Whining. Whining. Whining.

It is as if the skin is being peeled from my ears.

The words of the illustrious Tabitha L. ring in my ears, "If anything, be consistent."

Does hiding in the corner of the bathroom, rocking and weeping at 4 pm everyday count? Oh, cuz I am CONSISTENT.

Name-calling

2008-03-03T06:12:00.000-08:00

What? How did I miss the glorious opportunity? Bloggers renaming their loved ones so as to protect and ALSO slander? Or glorify certain traits? I'm enamored.

Hmmm... Levi could be "Mr B", short for Bucky McBuckster - always bucking the status quo in his search for ultimate truth and justice. Wait - that sounds very Marvel Comics - YES!! It will now be "Super B"!!!

Afton - "Whirliebird", a smilier version of whirling dervish.

Cedar - Charmster, a cross between his obviously adorable attributes and a hyperactive hamster...

Perfect!! This is glorious. On to renaming chores - vehicles- annoying people ("fatfingers')

This is a days worth of fun!

Chillicious

2008-02-11T11:35:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was dip your pants in liquid nitrogen, crack them off on the way to start your car cold. Snap your wet hair off if it's not under a rocking nasty huge babushka hat cold. Forget fashion-wear icefishing mukluks to high end corporate meeting cold.

Wow.

I've notice an interesting hopeful driving attitude here in Green Bay too. "Gosh I hope it warms up to 4 degrees so my car will start." "Maybe my neighbors will hit a deer to create a slushy spot for some traction at the icy corner those damn snowplows refuse to take care of..." "Maybe my brand-new vehicle will warm up to 40 degrees after driving 3 hours with the heat on full-tornado vent melting blast..."

Afton - peering out the window, completely relaxed, asked, "Mom, can we go to the North Pole?" "Oh, honey, " I replied, "we live there."

Any evidence?

2008-01-10T18:06:00.000-08:00

Well folks - I'm on the hunt.

I've decided to compile my art portfolio. Of course I've also gotten so caught up in the artistic process over the years that I have virtually no photographic evidence of my creative genius ;). Folks, I need your help. I'm applying as a freelance stylist at several studios/agencies and want to fill out my book.

So any photos (even Before /after) of Garden Design, Home Decor, Place Settings, Baby Showers, Fine Art, Painting, Sculpture etc that you might have- could you shoot anything you might have over to bethanyfuson@thefusonfamily.com this weekend?

Dat'd be sweet uh y'all...

Thankful

2008-01-04T20:32:00.000-08:00

Today I struck up a conversation at the library with a mid-40's New Jersey gal city gal transplanted to backwoods Wisconsin. As we narrated the fight between our 2 yr olds at the playtrain, she mentioned she had lost her 5 yr old son to cancer.

I looked at 5 yr old Cedar.

As I processed her words and the ramifications, I asked her, "Do you ever heal from a childs death or do you just soften?" She said, "You never heal."

I just struggle to comprehend...

New Title

2008-01-04T20:21:00.000-08:00

To all those lovin the mid century modern, slightly hippie, somewhat organic, absolutely delicious style of home/life design - I have a new title for you, Amy Butler's "Midwest Modern". FANTASTIC! Website is pretty good, too.

Christmas morning - bullet form.

2007-12-25T11:56:00.002-08:00

Afton awake from 2:30 -4:30 am in pure "I can't sleep Mama!" excitement. Cedar up at 5:30 am. We pound down the stairs with baby Jesus dolly bouncing in Cedar's arms. When we hit the ground floor - everyone stopped still to take it all in. Pure quiet.

I expected the pandemonium to hit - but no.

They giggled quietly with "Omigosh!" and "Oh, Cool" punctuating the mental absorption.

Afton asked, "Is it my Birthday?"

Only later after the stocking full of candy was ingested did the chaos of indoor rollerskating, toy bulldozer, a balloon, and random Dora/dollie/playdough-ness take place.

Christmas was very simple this year in scheduling and gifting. It felt really good. Quieter somehow. I've now had a chance to really process some of the true gifts and truths I've been privileged to receive.

Christmas morning.

2007-12-25T11:56:00.001-08:00

Too legit...

2007-12-17T08:58:00.001-08:00

Hoser

2007-12-13T07:06:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, I have a fabulous friend living with Levi and I. Her name is Lisa and she tells this story.

"My dad was great at changing the diapers of my sister and I. He made sure we were clean and in fresh ones. Many men won't even help this way. The challenge with my dad is that he hated poop. Being the type of man to find a way, he....found a way. He would dump all the poopy diapers on the lawn and HOSE THEM OUT. Mom's favorite game when she got home from work was to - find all the diapers scattered across the lawn. Thank God we lived in the country."

You know I can't resist a poop story for long.

Barbie

2007-12-13T07:03:00.000-08:00

Having a little girl always poses the question of "To Barbie or not to Barbie", does she unnaturally warp little girls minds with unfair expectations and hopes? I'm thinking if we created a Barbie that was more true-to-life it would be "flat-chested, pear shaped Barbie". Maybe with stretch marks...

Pressure

2007-11-15T20:42:00.000-08:00

Interesting how pressure steams out the true emotions of the heart. It's so easy to hold things together when life is together. But today as Afton accidentally pooped in my hand (some might consider that in itself birth control) and after I threw the ca-ca in the toilet and toilet water splashed in my mouth, I was able to laugh.

But let's process a morning where I'm tired, coffee-less, QT less, there are internal and external pressures, and something hits the fan. I think that's a good measure of the real me. Some might excuse that and justify crappy reactions because of circumstances, but I have to wonder about that.

Justifying poo-poo personal behaviour just seems like whining if you hear someone else do it...

Manners

2007-11-10T05:34:00.001-08:00

For so long I viewed having manners as needed nightmares that were performed for other people. Stiff and awkward people. Or Holiday people.

I don't mean basic courtesies like not grotesquely belching at the dinner table. I mean dinner napkins on the lap, husbands pulling out the chair for their wives, "please pass the...", setting the silverware properly, etc...

Manners are meant to be a form of love. Of hospitality. There is a basic framework set for everyone to find the rhythm within. There are so many aspects of thinking about someone other than yourself (oneself?)within manners.

I'm not truly a fan of formality, but I love making people feel at ease. I'm definitely not the queen of details, but sometimes love is in those details.

What do you think?

Pop-pop

2007-11-09T07:01:00.000-08:00

Levi's dad, "Pop-pop" was here for a great visit - the kiddos had a blast with him. Missed their Gramma Sue though.

This is the code for the photo of Copper Canyon that I can't upload

2007-11-07T12:59:00.000-08:00

Adventure

2007-11-02T19:31:00.000-07:00

OK - Secret grade school dream was to be an archeologist. Now, in your most childish treehouse dreams - if you could travel to somewhere deliciously exotic to explore - where would you choose?

Iowa is not exotic.

Just try it

2007-10-31T07:37:00.000-07:00

Have you ever googled yourself? So strange. There was actually a "Bethany Fuson" who lived in the 1800's and one living in KY right now! And I thought it was a weird name. Try it!

Health and Healing

2007-10-30T05:45:00.000-07:00

Sunday morning I stood in my "restaurant booth" at our new church. A girlfriend and I watched together as our Pastors, B&T, stood in front of our colt-legged church and committed to do "what it takes" to pastor our burgeoning body.

It was a moment.

All of the discussions Levi and I had waded through in deciding to move here, B & T's difficult journey to get even a small church to truly gel as they dreamed, T searching relentlessly for housing op's for us, B driving to Milwaukee in the middle of the night after grueling work hours to pick Afton & I up from the airport, praying, hoping, meeting and eventually filling Titletown's donated room, our Leadership Teams' growth from awkwardness to to fabulousness...and to look around and see all of the faces that have gathered in just a year...

It was overwhelming.

It's been awhile since I've felt really safe to open up some areas of the "real me" to exposure and growth. I can't believe it's finally time. I feel like a teenager before the high-school dance.

I am thankful.

Lipstick Terrorist

2007-10-12T18:09:00.000-07:00

OMILORD IN HEAVEN!!!!! Help me FATHER! My daughter is on a rampage.

Determined to have her way and fueled by a chocolate milk, 2 yr old Afton armed herself with Mary Kay lipsticks, lipliners, lip primers and various weapons of her warfare. Hidden in night-night blankies and waiting until cover of night - she unloaded her arsenal of chaos. Retribution for unhappy bathtimes, pottie training, and lost toothbrushes all funneled into a seething-whirling-jambalaya of destruction upon the unsuspecting bathroom...

Leaving a solitary color. Mama's favorite and only red lipstick, "Chocolate Mousse", unscathed.

Until this evening. Once again the baby bandit struck.

Thank goodness for a product sample book.

For free

2007-09-21T06:38:00.000-07:00

You may have heard that our little rugged churchplant has been growing and has now exceeded all space options (Kids were all asked to sit on parents laps..) LOVE this kind of "Problem" ;)

But a fellow with connections set up a meeting with another man of means who owned a fabulous old-school theatre/jazz club downtown. After several months of bantering we picked up the keys to it.

And this 1.2 million dollar building was given to us. For free.

Most of us just crapped our pants. It's overwhelming and wonderful. Not even so much to have the building - but the journey for our pastors - meeting in small living rooms, starting a churchplant over, emotional and relational duress, working with very little and yet still dreaming of a place where we could affect the Green Bay downtown. Not necessarily with "churchiness", but with help. More details to come....

Reading the B.

2007-09-20T08:53:00.000-07:00

OK - Got the Barack book (1st one) and it's good . 1/4 way through a monstrous Winston Churchill bio - so far he's a prig. The book is a monster - so he's got time to progress... Anybody else like this guy?

Oldies

2007-09-20T08:49:00.001-07:00

Due to the mental slugs, never realized I could actually Google people who who regular old pals. I know, "techie re-re".

But the point is - do you have those people in your past that are so precious to your heart that just hearing their name makes you smile? Who are some of your fav's? No, Bono is a rockstar and he doesn't count.

Misthought

2007-09-05T20:01:00.000-07:00

Cedar is currently fascinated with sharks. He will focus - memorizing every detail about the water levels they swim at, what they eat, what regions they swim in etc.. He rushed over to me in alarm last night after dad read to him that some sharks were "bottom-feeders".

Imagine the thoughts of a 5 yr old...

Sharks eat bottoms.

Excess

2007-09-03T11:10:00.000-07:00

Contemplating excess.

Why do we as a culture deem it necessary to purchase a 10 lb tub of cheeseballs for a small family? Why do we need gi-normous homes that are energy consuming and so poorly designed that we only use 1/2 the space? Why do we need huge front yards? Why do we buy and keep so much trash? Why is Christmas a million cheapo presents event instead of a few quality gifts event? ( I know some of you are irritated I even mentioned Christmas and consumerism together..)

I read on a blog recently the definition of consumer. One of the words used to explain was "devourer". There are global comics from as early as WW2 that visualize the US as an incredibly obese individual shoveling nations into it's mouth. Later through the 70's we appeared gobbling natural resources. I hate this picture. I've traveled internationally, and while there are positive aspects fronted about the US, if you can get someone to talk honestly - there is always a sense of the US taking more than their share. I know the other 1/2 being what we've invested and given, but have we ever taken an honest look of what we use personally?

One of my friends has a husband who could live the most spartan lifestyle (a 3 pr underwear kind of guy) . Probably why he's a pastor. ;) While this is extreme, I've noticed that every time we've moved it has been (painfully) refreshing and dynamic to release myself of the expectation of "thing comfort".

Finally, a story. When we got married a "clingy friend" made me a gift. It was not pretty, useful or practical. It was more like - horrible. But it was large and meant to be displayed prominently. I hung onto this for YEARS for fear she would come over and not see it out and being loved. And I didn't even really like the poor girl. The one time she visited my house - I yanked it out of it's dusty trashbag and laid it out. She didn't even see it. Realizing my re-re bahaviour, it went into the trashCAN and hopefully to the dump. Can anyone relate?

My boyfriend

2007-08-23T06:04:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the shortie posts, my Safari keeps quitting, so I'd resigned myself to snippets.

Only one supa' sta' can have me retype these same words several times. Barack. He was on some late night show being himself. I love that he appears to actually think before he speaks. Seems huge compared to the "axis of evil" commentaries.

Something begs a question though. Would you rather vote for a politician that rep you or one that rep themself?

Tall girl rule #3

2007-08-23T05:55:00.000-07:00

Make sure you have a fabulous purse or belt to break up the gorgeous length of you. Generally, small purses and jewelry on tall or chunky women are ridiculous. Proportion...

Tall Girls Rule #2

2007-08-19T19:41:00.000-07:00

Tallness = Presence.

If you are gifted with being tall, make the choice to be as intelligent as possible. Have something to say. The gift of heigth often puts you in the place to be heard. And be as loving as possible - no one likes a BIG meanie. ;)

Tall girl rule #1

2007-08-17T21:38:00.000-07:00

Wear heels and stand straight.

Proof of my progeny

2007-08-12T12:38:00.000-07:00

Bursting

2007-08-10T14:34:00.000-07:00

OK, the time has come to announce what I deem the most incredibly fabulous childrens television show available today. DO not hold back - you MUST avail yourself and the selves under age 5 to the most entrancing of boob-tubage.

Max and Ruby. On Noggin. Also available on the web for activities.

Charming, clean, no carnage or crass humor. I love love love that BOTH my 2 and 5 yr olds are equally engaged and laugh OUT LOUD.

Whew, I've been saving that for awhile. ;)

2 year old sexist

2007-08-07T06:40:00.000-07:00

This morning, "Dora" blaring, Afton sassed off to me - jealous because I was holding Cedar.

I said, " Afton there is plenty of room for mama to hold both you and Cedar, come over here."
Through her paci she murmured, "hfnbfcsejkcbfyej." "What? Afton, take your paci out and speak clearly."

"I don't wanna share, " she anunciated perfectly, "because, he's a MAN."

My parenting skills are FINALLY showing themselves...

Buckle Under Your Boobs

2007-08-01T05:42:00.000-07:00

Back from Dallas TX. Had a training conference with my Company and it was DYNAMITE! Sorry its' been awhile.

My sister Faith and I were joking about the concept of belt buckles and being high-waisted. In our family we're more of a "Cross-your-waist" bra style of women. Until I was 22 I never liked the way I looked. Actually hated that I didn't look like 80's perfection. No I'm relieved and embracing the quirks.

Did you know that most people are not symmetrical in their bodies? Ears, Breast, Eyes Hips... And yet when a standard is raised - Symmetry is "perfection" according to whatever magazine guru has elected themselves to deciding that they are god of beauty-law. Who decided that we all have to have a 6-pack? I love my husband and he was mentioning that even when in peak condition (he freakin biked the Alaska Hwy) and when he was totally ripped - his body didn't form the coveted 6-pack. I could have cared less. I like his nose, I like his heart, I like the way his personality fills a room.

Sure, some folks rate high on the gorgeous-o-meter for looks only. I just like when they have gorgous insides too.

Must read

2007-07-14T20:10:00.000-07:00

2 books to read this summer:

1. Interior Desecrations by James Lileks - OMILORD! If you enjoy a little sarc, you will die happy. U.R - This is REQUIRED reading.

2. Grandmere - life of Eleanor Roosevelt by David Roosevelt - Deep satisfying and fabulous. What an amazing down to earth world changing woman. Spectacular.

Obese Furniture

2007-07-12T16:14:00.000-07:00

I must mentally purge. I cannot stand obese furniture. Disgustingly overstuffed sofas and armchairs wedged into rooms so small that none can walk all for the sake of "comfort". C'mon - I know we're the fattest nation in the global economy, but my Lord - between the mcMansions filled with wasted space and pudgy armchairs clogging our homes - doesn't something feel off? And I own these rotund items in my own living room. I am blessed to HAVE furniture, but my question is, why are manufacturers determined to spew this stuff out. Yes, the American public will buy whatever that can eat chips and lay down on, but I KNOW there are other options out there.

Excellence

2007-07-11T20:52:00.000-07:00

I'm pondering excellence. Athletes, governmental leaders, CEO's whatever. There is a cost to excellence. Obviously time, often $, but what about the rest? How does one determine how much time a spouse or child should receive if pushing toward excellence? Can family be healthily maintained and even grow while a parent is pushing to their maximum? Is excellence sustainable? Excellence in character, excellence in work, excellence in parenting..... Does one negate the other?

Taking charge

2007-06-25T06:08:00.000-07:00

I was blogging this morning and realized something. I love myself and I love that. I think I'm beautiful and special and important. Not because I was brainwashed in Sunday School, not because Oprah says I have to, not because I'm an arrogant wench who has nothing better to do - just because I'm finally realizing my value as a creation.

If I were to walk into a group of women - any type and anywhere, and shared that I think - "I'm beautiful" it could bring out an interesting range of generally negative responses. "Oh really, well your thighs are..., Hmm, I see areas you could grow..., How can she say that..? "

But I wonder about the positive responses. I hope there would be some. But, if not I would be OK. I like who I'm becoming and who I am.

Graphically pissed off

2007-06-22T21:58:00.000-07:00

Not profane graphic,more "I never realized how ugly my blog is". All about the content. So I visited my dream perfection lighthearted sharp blog dream header. Shitake. Folks where can I find graphics that look like The Flipflop mama's. I can draw, Levi can create. Neither of us has time. I've now spent valuable hours combing through blogger templates/graphics and am weak with nausea due to the ug-factor. Levi says this will take many many hours.

Unacceptable - I have toilets to clean and I hate research. Besides the slow-churned ice-cream is melting.

The aftermath

2007-06-22T07:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the amazing cluster of Cedar's fav local pals joined us in celebrating his 5th B.D. Kids faces were pummeled with inflatable balls, Afton developed a facial rash from eating too much sugar, C's angel food cake needed a chain saw to cut it, All the water ballons were "mysteriously" popped in the cooler while we ate and so much more...

I fearfully asked Cedar (who can't walk normally because he had been drinking -soda- an twisted his ankle), "Son, how, um, was your party?"

He answered, "Awesome!"

Umm that's too much info.

2007-06-21T05:53:00.001-07:00

OK Levi told me there is now a med that ADVERTISES a side effect that has even I , grossed out. Imagine, if you will, struggling with this: Greasy poop.

Omigosh.

Way too much info guys, keep that on the backside ;) of the box.

On that note, what is your least favorite illness? That you've had. No weird monkey fever stuff.

Those kind of friends

2007-06-21T05:47:00.000-07:00

Have any of you found that elusive "gang' of friends. Not just the one or two fabulous - but the dynamic blend of at least 3 that gel.

Thanks everyone!!

2007-06-13T06:04:00.000-07:00

Well, the trip to Valpo was fantastic! The beautiful garden for Lynn went in and will only continue to get more so. I got to spend time with Nat, M & M and Chad-Holly and the kiddos. What a joy to be with family - late night talks, laughs, and being with some of your favorite people in the world.

For all those that know Wayne Swanson, the Kraker Family or Jenny Wallace - give them a squeeze from me- they went absolutely above and beyond the call of duty. ;)

AND I finally got to meet Sara's lovely man!

Thanks everyone!

I Need Funny

2007-06-05T07:26:00.000-07:00

Folks, I need jokes. This is one of those mornings I feel like a hater. I've never enjoyed cleaning as a joyous hobby and stay-at-home mom land is a struggle. Afton is potty-training and I feel like all I do is clean. Clean poop, clean counters, clean floors and every other surface over and over. Omilord, I hate this job of cleaning lady. Trying to love and see big picture but blogger pals, I need poop jokes, I need horrible fat lady falling down and underwear showing stories, I need perspective. ;)

Just for this morning. Don't worry - I am making a pot of coffee...

THIS weekend

2007-06-04T06:50:00.001-07:00

THIS weekend Afton and I head to Valpo to help install Lynn Fuson's Memorial Garden - It will be amazing and Afton has promised to push the rototiller at least an hour with no smoke breaks.

If you are local - I need you. I can only dig so long before my obvious lack of working out causes my knees to buckle and my lungs to scream with shrinkage. I beg you. With dignity, of course.

Besides, Lynn was worth this.

Email me or post or call Sara Vanderwoude.

Yahoo! It's a dirty party! Well, um, only in the cleanest sense.

Whatcha whatcha whatcha love

2007-05-26T07:15:00.000-07:00

Ok this is lovingly brainless. There are some things in my home that I love. For beauty, for effectiveness, for streamlining...etc

The 96 cent square handled white scrubber from Walmart that actually works. I LOVE this little tool.

The 1st Norah Jones c.d. It is perfection.

MK - Microderm Abrasion - bye bye ugly skin

Dora & Diego - thank you, God!

Shampoo bottles with pumps.

Fresh flowers, anywhere, everywhere.

Our big mirror. Every room it's in looks warmer and less ghetto.

Our computer/bookcase that Levi and I rescued and transformed. Gosh it feels good to have pieces like this.

Do you have any items that delight your soul?

Princess Jesus

2007-05-20T06:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Levi and I took the kiddos to a wedding with predictable results. Yes, after throwing things down on people from the balcony, running a non-stop verbal blow-by-blow of the "princess" (bride) wearihg her bee-yoo-ti-ful "sprinkles" (sparkles) in a non-uberholy-whisper, and Afton catching her arm in some crazy piece of architecture - then screaming bloody murder in the midst of the ceremony as I whisked her down some 1840's rickety wooden spiral staircase. Did I mention we were in an 8 x 10 ish wooden balcony with an organ and 15 people with no a.c.?

It's all about the bride, I chanted. Levi's forehead was slick with sweat.

The funny part was Afton staring enraptured at the unbelievably ornate altar. It was white, pink, blue, and gold with crazy curlicues. There was Jesus in His "dress" looking very similar to Cinderella at the ball. Thus Afton concluded, "Look mama, castle with the princess, sooo pretty..."

Thank God for 2 year olds.

Dig it.

2007-05-08T17:33:00.000-07:00

Hey any of you available the last weekend in May? If so, let's party!! We're putting in a Memorial Garden for Lynn Fuson (Levi's mom) at Greenwich house. It's going to be so beautiful. But, I need help. Different 2-3 hour volunteer shifts are set up for Fri-Sun. Can you dig it, baby? Let me know if you can move you arm muscles the way you move your finger muscles.

I can't stop!!

2007-05-08T08:07:00.000-07:00

Transgender. Let's talk. I am fascinated to no end about this phenomena. Just talking to a girlfriend this morning on ramifications socially and spiritually.

Just a bit more...

2007-05-04T18:22:00.000-07:00

OK, this could be interesting. In light of the previous conversation, I've been unintentionally processing another hot topic. I'm a bit hesitant to bring it up, but I'm crazily curious what you all think.

Women as Head Pastors. Biblical or unbiblical? Not a problem or Jezebel?

No WAY!!!!

2007-04-24T06:05:00.000-07:00

OK, I've heard this before, but I thought times were changing much quicker. That women are still making sickeningly less than men doing the same job with better qualifications and work habits. I'm going to scream. And that as men and women age is gets WORSE. What in the hell?? Who is in charge of this Bozo patrol? I swear that as my generation of Father-less men moves in mature corporate leadership things could move into the blender. I want this to CHANGE. Barack......!!!!!

I swear the reason that moms aren't paid what they are worth financially is that not only is the worth "priceless" ;) - but if it had a $ amount - mamas would be millionaires.

I feel great worth in my home and through my Papa in heaven, but this outside perspective on the worth of a woman being viewed as less is insane. And DON'T GET ME STARTED on the view within the church. I love the body of Christ and that does not negate that we need some GROWTH here. I'm not just a rib-bone, folks...

W-M - Angel or Devil?

2007-04-12T05:59:00.000-07:00

SOooo, I've heard and read a LOT about WaL-MART and would love to know how you preceive the bargainland. Is it a bargain? Talk to me, peeps! (Not the gross yellow sugar marshmallow peeps that make a huge mess and taste so sick...)

Rats

2007-04-06T21:28:00.000-07:00

I've been discovered. I truly have run out of my yearly supply of witty, endearing or intelligent remarks. Depleted by April.

Just kidding.

I think spending time with my family is the most incredible gift. My brother and sister-in-law are headed overseas with their baby as I type. We spent the last 7 days eating, laughing, crying, hugging and squeezing the new babies. It was decadent in our cocoon of safe (chaotic) love. It is HARD to let loved ones travel into unsafe areas.

We celebrated Afton's b-day with her cousin Abilove. My sister and mom created a stand-up Barbie doll cake. It was slightly awkward deciding who had to eat the slice cut from near Barbie's buttocks. Afton had no problem scraping the frosting off of the fake-tan plastic boobies.

I am bad holiday mom. Tomorrow I will join the rest of this select group at our clubhouse. Wal-mart. I'm trying to avoid sugar-poisoning my tots and yet still maintain the elusive crown of "Fun-Mom" in their eyes. Books? Pastel annoying stuffed animals? Glorious chocolate?? Afton's Birthday also happens to fall on Easter this year. Rats. I haven't shopped for her either. And maybe I won't...

True confessions. I generally hate stuffed animals. I have only liked one, well two. The rest are crap.

OK I'm done.

Tickling

2007-03-16T06:03:00.000-07:00

Is it fair for people who are not ticklish to tickle people who are?

Growing Pains

2007-03-05T05:38:00.000-08:00

As our children decide that they simply must grow ;) we have been revamping boundaries within our home. It's interesting (more like hellish) to experience a child who has outgrown the old and is straining towards the new, needed model of 5 yr old-land.

I hit a horrible hot point that I struggled to see through last week and called my partner in crime - my sister, Holly. (Levi was at work and dually frustrated, anyhow) She just had her third punkin and is a welcome mental respite. It's good to hear other people's children being normal and a bit wacked out when you know they're fabulous parents. Kids are weird sometimes and it's fantastic to just let them stretch out in that weirdness and "find themselves".

There is a great teacher out of Redding, CA (Can any good come from... Just kidding...) named Danny Silk who helps folks navigate the slushy sea of parenting. Holly's 15 min pep talk was pure Holly-fied Danny. Between that talk and a good restful moment of prayer, I now have a loose strategy (and it's working!!)

Smells like...

2007-02-25T05:32:00.000-08:00

Yesterday in automotive dept of Walmart, Cedar observed, "It smells like boys". How does one come to that conclusion? It was either the tools or the RIght Guard D.O he was huffing.

To the forefront..

2007-02-21T14:39:00.000-08:00

"And that's why Invisible Children is such an awesome organization. For example, in their bracelet campaign, they pay people living in refugee camps to make bracelets and then turn around and sell the bracelets at a profit, all of which goes back into africa. A $60 donation to IC will pay the wages of a refugee to make 16 bracelets. The 16 bracelets are then shipped and sold in the US for a profit of $300, which is then sent back to Uganda to build schools and such. So they take your money, give it to a needy person who makes them a product, then make a profit on that product that does more in Africa. It's like killing two birds with one stone." Folks I'm LOVING this. In case you didn't catch this - this is the organization Dr.Seattle's bro is working with...

The Nazi's invented housework

2007-02-20T05:59:00.000-08:00

I believe the Nazi's invented housework. We all know they tested the mental fortitude of Jewish men by forcing them to to the same mundane task (shoveling dirt from one pile to another) over and over day by day. Any Mom will see the glaring parallel...

Now what about word repetition?

Pursuit of Fun

2007-02-17T07:13:00.000-08:00

The challenge of today. Balancing depth with lightheartedness. I'm one of those girls that loves to discuss deep things, to probe into the deep dark core of the heart. To find intellectual surprises. But since moving here to Green Bay I've wanted balance. Somehow, it seemed "less than" or subtley "not ok" to actually ingest and provoke fun. I'm so sick of that box.

Deep spirituality and hilarity can walk hand in hand. I think they need to. Perhaps a parallel of surgeons joking about horrible ways to die is similar. I married a man that makes me laugh so hard, even in the midst of a terrible argument.
We take ourselves so darn seriously, sometimes. God forbid we be exposed.

So I'm laughing more, relaxing into my own skin and pursing lighthearted fun. It's good and folks - I LIKE it.

Flippin' cold

2007-02-05T06:04:00.000-08:00

There is no school today. It's 25-45 degrees below zero today (w/ wind ch.). Now that's just plain chilly.

Hidden

2007-02-02T05:45:00.000-08:00

Alright blogstalkers, I finally have a few minutes... ;)

Abandoned and tortured children. Yes, I'm going there..

So, Dr. Seattle's bro works with the MOST interesting organization. Check out this site. It is beautifully well-done - but look at what these 3 high-schoolers have done!!!! A totally grabbable context to HELP in Africa. I love this.

2 of my sis-in-law's are actually pumping breast milk for babies in africa. I know, graphic, but how COOL is that? If you don't have the girl parts or aren't wet nurses at heart, what could you give?

I come from a place where it is important to help those around you as well as OUTSIDE of your circles. It's a big world!!

Yes, I'm buzzing on my Timor Maubesse.

I hope this doesn't turn you all off...

Sexy Mess

2007-01-27T07:20:00.000-08:00

Last night at dinner (it was just me and the kiddos), I had messily left the mail on the table during our meal. After our feasting, Cedar noticed a scarily sexy model selling her wares on the back of a Fredericks catalog. Yikes! He started giggling (thank the Lord it was just bra-land) and murmured, "Mama, look at her costume!"

Whew. We're not there yet. Her makeup was pretty intense.

Bono and You

2007-01-25T07:32:00.000-08:00

So. Who doesn't love, if not respect in some measure, Bono.

Anyone who takes the voice that fame often imparts and focuses it to change injustice has my support. I wondered, "does everyone think about what they would change if put in Bono's place? What change are we passionate about affecting on personal levels? Have we attempted anything? Pondering...

Obama

2007-01-23T19:53:00.000-08:00

Sen Barack Obama. Your thoughts...

MySpace

2007-01-20T07:39:00.000-08:00

MySPace makes me nuts. I just want to connect with friends and the pressure to have a slammin site, the where in the hell are my friends - there # doesn't work!!, Why can't I jsut comment rigamarole makes me crazy. Thank you Blogger for simplicity.

Engrossed

2007-01-20T06:28:00.000-08:00

Doogle, Curious George, Play-Do, Snacks. These are the tools of golden engrossment. I'm actually taken aback when the focus of my children is so total that we as parents cease to exist. I remember getting so lost in books that hours would pass and voices around the house would chill into white noise. Did you ever find that "Happy Place"?

The Sandbox, Our Treehouse, Our slightly scary and gross basement, Art projects, Putting on plays, Sitting in the van/station wagon/ghetto cruiser with a sibling on each side leaning onto me (a heavenly cocoon), Blanket Forts, Cuddling into my dad's back w/my face in his neck, Mom's hugs at the kitchen sink, our sunporch on Sunday afternoons (BLISS!), Helping mom rearrange furniture, Family snuggles, Smelling the Magnolia tree with Holly through her window, Making birthday hats - Balon tradition etc...

What are your favorites? Even dark childhoods have spots of light. When you're so relaxed and happy you sort've have to pee.

It's BIGGA!

2007-01-17T05:45:00.000-08:00

I'm contemplating the Love of God. Yes, poopy diapers one minute the love of God the next. But they fit together in my life. The thought that chants in my brain is that God 's love is bigger... Bad attitudes - His love is Bigga! Small heart - It's Bigga!Unforgiveness - it's Bigga!

There are so many times to see the inadequacy of who we are. Of course we need to acknowledge and embrace where we stand. But I refuse to stay there. To make an excuse for my yuck seems to deny the power of the love of the Father to change that area. God's love can't melt 30 lbs off my behind, but embracing his view of me and what He has created me to me encourages me to love what He's given me and make it the best that I can. Damn treadmill.

Bigger Love Bigger Love Bigger Love. Man that's good stuff we have access to!

Makin babies...

2007-01-13T06:50:00.000-08:00

Just into my 1st cup of Saturday coffee, Cedar looked up from over his pancakes and asked, "Whatcha doin today, Mom? Makin babies?" Cough, cough, sputter!!! "Um no Cedar - are you?"

Later, as Cedar was running his hamster circles shouting, "My bunghole is on FIRE!" I realized truly he is just his daddy Levi's creation.

How to raise boys....

I Feel Pretty. Oh so Pretty...

2007-01-10T05:28:00.000-08:00

Afton found a HUGE glittery princess dress in her toybox yesterday. Ugly PJ friend had thought she would love it. SHe squealed when she saw it, "MAMA!! MAMA!!" Then she started jamming it on her head. I gathered about 3 yd.s of fabric and tucked into her pants then glitzed her up with crazy jewels, a tiara and shiny purse. This is her first real princess dress-up and when I placed her in front of the mirror -it was magic... Her eyes were wide open taking her "new" self in. SHe swirled the 30 lbs of skirt around and just stared. Finally she shouted, "Is (It's) ME! Is ME!!!!"

Why does the world love to smash that out of women?

Post-pjs

2007-01-02T06:12:00.000-08:00

Had a live talk with a sweet friend regarding letting others just be ugly until they grow out of it. Of course this is after processing whether or not confrontation is important. Just letting others BE when you want to fix their obvious, glaring life-errors (sic) is challenging. Especially when you want to be Lord of the Universe. Especially when it is incovenient to you. Thoughts? Experiences?

Thoughts gathered on love

2006-12-30T18:12:00.000-08:00

For one human being to love another is perhaps the most difficult task of all, the epitome - the ultimate test. It is that striving for which all other striving is merely preparation. Rainier Maria Rilke

I want the love in my life to feel like a deep breath, a blushing laugh, a view across the Sea of Cortez, always expanding - wider - glowing. Sabrina W. Harrison

If we let ourselves be truly seen, then we can be truly loved. Sark

Bless the not knowing.

Ugly PJ's

2006-12-30T17:41:00.000-08:00

I have a sweet friend who gave my son horribly ugly pj's because she thought he'd like them. He does. They're near fav.'s. And because I love them and they aren't killing him I let him wear them. Sometimes I think you just have to let people wear or be ugly until they grow out of it.

Hallmark-ish Holiday

2006-12-29T06:01:00.000-08:00

HAPPPPPEEEEE Kwanzaa!!!!!!!

Just saw the trailer for Miss Potter - (Beatrix Potter) Looks wonderful - woman against the odds - LOVE that.

Joan E Kimball

2006-12-27T05:36:00.000-08:00

People that impact your forever. I was raised by amazing people. Yet in Jr High/High School self-definition outside of the fam was sooo important. I happened across one of the most stellar women I've ever met. She later became one of my mom's closer friends and even better - family!! ( My sis married her son)

Her best facets: She is a consummate student of life (always aware and learning), she looks you in the eyes-listens-and-makes you feel understood. She appreciates beauty and seems to draw it out of people and life - the best rises. She is humble and FUN and somehow - things are peaceful around her.

What a woman. ;)

Flashback

2006-12-26T19:32:00.000-08:00

OK, checked out FlyLady. I WAS RAISED WITH IT. I kid you not. At 13, my mom bequeathed to me my very own organizational notebox. Grouped by hour, day, week, month and year. I committed to a contract (which I lost) to clean (which I failed at repeatedly) until bizarrely enough, I left home and actually took responsibility for my pigsty habits. I'm pretty good, but c'mon - it's the holidays and I have a 1 and 1/2 yr old tornado queen and a husband that couldn't find the hamper if he slept on it.

Post-Holiday

2006-12-26T06:06:00.000-08:00

Well well well well well.... I'm surveying the atomic blast that is my household. My mom always said when facing disaster take bite-size hunks, one at a time. I need coffee and my housekeeper. I thought I could face this without her. I love Christmas and this was an especially significant and poignant one for us. But the aftermath when the husband has left for work and the kids just want to roll and relish in the herculean mounds that I am attempting to dismantle is daunting. At least my kids are cute. ;) Although I did find Afton hurt & crying, wrapped up in hula-hoops and gift bags with Cedar's drumsticks nearby...

By the way, my folks are "out of Africa" and recovering well. Mom took her Malaria pill and is feeling better. I can't wait to hear about their experiences.

John and E and my brother Nat are coming in this weekend at different times - THAT'S when the holidays will feel complete!

Hot lights

2006-12-20T19:35:00.000-08:00

Was driving on Dousman, a 25 mph street here in Green Bay. There stands a beacon to all things gloriously childlike and gaudy - 2 and 1/2 stories (4 if you include the evergreen) of hideous perfection. I slowed down. I had to. I had to soak in the rays, the glow, the melodic spinning Santas (just kidding, no spinning).

Nostalgia. I love the cinnamon candies mom put on her sugar cookies. Love cutting down our own little tree and the sharp scents of winter. Love the wonderment in Cedar's eyes that I remember in my brother Matthew's eyes. We used to read "the Little Colonel" and all six of us kids would pack into one of our room on Christmas Eve wiggling with anticipation. My Lord, those memories are precious.

What the......?

2006-12-17T17:33:00.000-08:00

Tonight Cedar was praying with his face smashed in the pillows. Through the weird 4 yr old ramblings I hear, "...bless the people on the roads, help us learn, help daddy play poker...". WHAT THE...?

On another note...Is there anything cooler than having people in your home? Of course there is always the pre-cleaning hubbub, the post visit cleaning and keeping your kids from burning down the Barbie Hot wheel garage... But, my Lord - to risk and find connections with people who just acquaintances or to laugh until you're running to the bathroom before you pee your pants or to bust out the guitars and be silly or even to worship. To be or to build community - it is just so satisfying!

Pondering: What are the differences between what makes a women feel safe to be her true self and what makes a make feel safe.

Excellence in the Cocoon

2006-12-13T05:33:00.000-08:00

I am lazy by nature. But that nature has gotten me nowhere. So I have learned to love clearing out the clutter physically and mentally. The biggest challenge is the tenous balance of schedule. To be able to give the munchkins, the hub, my business, my household and the Father the needed amounts of time feels like a tightwire trick. Anyone relate?

My sis in law E, addressed this well on her blog. Some days you're surfing, some your rolling around in the sandy nether-belly of the sea. Young children in the house will often necessitate "cocoon" time - but it can go all too wrong if mama doesn't get time or MAKE time for herself. (The MAKE is for me to focus on). We are so shaped by life's mundane moments.

Holly, one of my girlfriends, calls it "fIinding excellence in the cocoon".

Katie Couric

2006-12-12T21:50:00.000-08:00

What is it about Katie Couric that makes me insane? I don't KNOW her. How is it you can watch the tube and decide you absolutely MUST change the channel before you are forced to poke your own eyes out?

Shovel

2006-12-12T06:20:00.000-08:00

There is almost always some truth in even the most negative critique. You may have to wade through shit to find the diamond - but you can always take that diamond to the bank. Shovel, shovel, shovel!

Passion

2006-12-12T06:12:00.000-08:00

I love passion. Passion for excellence, character, beauty, honesty, etc... It moves me to a loving focus, out of sluggish mom-needs-coffee land. But passionate, strong people by nature can drive others away. Passion can repel a middle of the road, comfort midset. But the balance of the two is pure joy and near perfection.

Truth

2006-12-09T17:36:00.000-08:00

Tonight, snuggled chin-deep in arctic fleece blankets, my son said, "Mom, I'm the ME-est". Perfectly content in himself. The me-ist - no one can take his place in the universe.

What the......?

2006-12-09T17:29:00.000-08:00

I wonder how to raise children that will not only feel secure, but will be able to stand in self-confidence. How is it possible that I was raised in such a secure home and for most of my life struggled with agonizing bouts of self-doubt? I suppose one involves more risk.

Pipe man

2006-12-07T06:20:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I watched as a man smoking a very distinguished pipe hustled across the street in front of my vehicle (I refuse to say minivan- or as the Amish say, "Mini-wan"), and I pondered, aren't pipe smokers supposed to bustle? Or shuffle? But no - he was hustling. It felt all wrong. Smoking a pipe like drinking a martini, involves ritual, contemplation and I assume enjoyment... Now i realize, upon contemplation, he was blaspheming the art.

Then again, it was only 2 degrees Fahrenheit and pretty windy.