Folks, I need jokes. This is one of those mornings I feel like a hater. I've never enjoyed cleaning as a joyous hobby and stay-at-home mom land is a struggle. Afton is potty-training and I feel like all I do is clean. Clean poop, clean counters, clean floors and every other surface over and over. Omilord, I hate this job of cleaning lady. Trying to love and see big picture but blogger pals, I need poop jokes, I need horrible fat lady falling down and underwear showing stories, I need perspective. ;)
Just for this morning. Don't worry - I am making a pot of coffee...
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18 comments:
I've posted some funny over on my blog. I'll look for more material for you today, ok?
I got this story in an email and I absolutely love it! Hope it helps you laugh today, Bethany!!!
A Mothers day story
So, we had this great 10year old cat named Jack who
just recently died.
Jack
was a great cat and the kids would carry him around
and sit on him and
nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap
all day long on
this mat in our bathroom.
Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they
were 4 years old,
3
years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli
really loves
chapstick.
LOVES it! He kept asking to use my chapstick and then
losing it. So
finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I
keep my chapstick
and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he
needed to put it
right back in the drawer when he was done.
Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical
rush around and
try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and
carrying on. My two
boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am
trying to nurse
my little one at the same time I am putting on my
make-up. Everything is
a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a
wonderful day to
honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.
We finally have the older one and and the baby loaded
in the car and I
am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I
finally round the
corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He
was applying my
chapstick very carefully to Jack's...
rear end.
Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now
if you have a cat,
you know that he is right--their little butts do look
pretty chapped.
And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.
And the only question to really ask at that point was
whether it was the
FIRST time Eli had done that to the cats behind or the
hundredth.
And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever
because it reminds us
that no matter how hard we try to civilize these
glorious little
creatures, there will always be that day when you
realize they've been
using your chapstick on the cat's butt.
I sent this email around to my Avon customers and I got dozens of lip balm orders (never can be too careful. LOL!)
Annette
That was funny! I have just decided not to care anymore about the dirt unless soemone is coming over. LOL! I mean, my job is to train up little people, not to be their maid!
Congrats on Afton potty-training...It'll be over soon and diapers and poop will be behind you!!
ok here are some cheesy kid ones, ready? i've warned you:
1. what kind of fruit will never run away and get married? cantaloupe.
2.why doesn't a warden ever give prisoners chocolate? it'll make them break out.
3.how do turkeys eat? they gobble their food.
4.what type of bee is the smartest? a spelling bee.
5. knock knock. who's there? justin. justin who? justin time for dinner.
TOLD YA THEY WERE CHEESY:)
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."
A pirate with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, doesn't that hurt?"
The pirate responds, "Arrgh, it's drivin' me nuts."
By the way, I love pirate jokes. :)
Omigosh - so perfect!! YOu guys are awesome and pirate-y in the best way. I ended up having the weirdest day. Afton peed in her booster seat and then proceeded to dump painting water all over the freshly mopped floor, while I was cleaning her up Cedar slipped on the wet floor I told him not to walk on and konked his head and stitches, while I hugged him Afton proceeded to pee everywhere and then slipped in it and smacked her head, We get in the car to a new park where Afton is screaming about "Spiders" (ants) all over her - and they were. Then, Cedar fell off the merry go round on his stitches, whle later Levi had to give Cedar the Heimlich and he gagged up digested meat and on and on. Cedar opted to pee his pants four times for fun. ANd no-one wanted to eat a meal I prepared today. ANd those were the high points. What the hell? I think they just didn't want to help me clean... Hee-hee.
Whoa. That was cathartic and self-validating. I am a domestic goddess - a warrior at the urination station.
Oh, and E, I'm not really cleaning manically - I should be, but y'know someone's gotta read books to the munchkins. ;) Just felt the overwhlemingness today, I suppose.
Wow, there's a lot of pants-peeing going on at your house!
OMG Beth -
YOUR pee-pee day was UNREAL! Talk about an I-Love-Lucy episode just waiting to happen!!
YOU ARE A POTTY TRAINING GODDESS!!
that was alot of peeing for just one day! I think they were tag-teaming you on purpose!
Oh-and you may want to call the Park and Rec dEpt and tell them about the ants. They will treat the playground.
actually the ants were i n my daughters car seat. we had taken it out and put it on the floor of the garage overnight.... funny thing ants like food, and there was all kinds of neat littel chunkys my daughter had left for them. so then when we put the seat back in the car we didn't notice them. until about 2 miles down the road when afton starts screaming.
ugh
l.
Dear Sweet Beth - just remember, some day you will be reading Afton and Cedar's blogs about their pee-pee days with THEIR kids and you will just feel so GOOD that this season is over in your life that you will break into the Post-Pee-pee Party Dance in your kitchen! (Call me for the moves...)
Ha Ha -
almost as good as finding your son laying in a pool (yes a pool) of his own poop and realising the weird smell permeating Wal Mart for the last hour was actually him.
he was in his carseat, by the way
oh wow. Guess it's too late to tell you about my "crap in the box" episode.........well, what the heck here goes anyway...So when Day and I lived in the farmhouse, remember when you came over and we had the Levi/sacrificing Issac talk...that place.......anyway, we had some YWAMers come and stay with us for one of their presentations. Now, we only had one bathroom. so the guy that was staying with us went in to take a shower in the morning. The dude was in there FOOOORRRREEEEVVVVVEEERRRRRR. I had the morning "BM" creeping up on me. I could NOT hold it any more...so I am now freaking out, can't hardly walk, and it IS coming whether I like it or not. So I, in my robe, run out to the carport where there was a little section with a door at the front of it for storage. It's pitch black in there although it was daylight out...so I grab this box of tools and just dump it out on the floor and proceed to just LET LOOSE as I am trying to keep my balance while holding this thing behind and under myself.. then I realize in my haste to get OUT of the house to take a crap-in-the-box in my carport that I did NOT grab anything to wipe with. SO NOW I have you know what running down my leg and nothing to clean with. I waddle back to the back door and peer in to see NO ONE in the kitchen and the dude is STILL in the bathroom. So I grab this roll of paper towel and head back out, waddling and dripping.....it was the most humiliating moment of the year........and now you all should be so honored that I trust you enough to share it with you....oh, wait, did you mean a KID poop story??? uh.........sorry.......
These stories are priceless in the sickest way...
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