Tuesday, January 2, 2007
Post-pjs
Had a live talk with a sweet friend regarding letting others just be ugly until they grow out of it. Of course this is after processing whether or not confrontation is important. Just letting others BE when you want to fix their obvious, glaring life-errors (sic) is challenging. Especially when you want to be Lord of the Universe. Especially when it is incovenient to you. Thoughts? Experiences?
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19 comments:
I think gentle confrontation, when Love and Spirit led, can be a good thing.
We're not always able to handle someone else trying to shine light on our dark crap, but when GOD is ready to do so, He will apoint the light shinners...
I like to be told. Maybe not always at the point of being told, but always in the long run...love is trust and grace.
I an appreciative of those who have come to me this way.
"Do so unto others..."
Boy, are you my goddaughter! Most of my young life, I felt like I needed to wear a tool belt all the time just so I'd be ready to do some life-fixin' on somebody at the drop of a hat.
I was lucky enough to find some of the right tools. Lora hit the nail on the head, above, with the word "gentle." A large percentage of the time, that is the only approach that has a chance. Tough love has its place, but can be hard on the furniture.
My forays into fixin' these days mostly involve questions and planting seeds. Questions usually start with some form of, "I wonder if..." so that the question seems to be for myself, as well. This works doubly in that it is delicate, and it also pays off if you actually DO include yourself, thus keeping your mind open to revelation. Sometimes you fix yourself a little, too.
Planting seeds is like the loud noise from afar. You say it now but the impact doesn't arrive until later. This can allow some space between yourself and the receiver. They can then get over the first response and digest the truth a bit before encountering you again. Three things here: truth needs to be the starting point and intention.
Also, those who react in volatile fashion will call you right away, before digestion. There are rules for engagement and one of them is that it's not always pretty. Others will have a light bulb go on and next time you see them they may express thanks or engage you further on the topic. A person who wants to fix themselves has the greatest chance of success.
The third thing is that, for some, a well-planted seed will surface later as their own idea. Careful here! That instance really makes you feel the Lord-of-the-Universe moment and brings about the most likely chance that you are about to step into a hole. Watch out.
Direct confrontation is a choice. Done with love and respect is always a plus. And gentleness. And patience. Patience is often the hard part.
What is really hard for you? Well, this may be that hard for them.
In the end, it's really none of your business. Unless, of course, you love them or care for them in some way, or just feel it is the wrong thing to idly stand by. Whatever it is, it is a decision to take part of your life and add it to another's. There will always be a little Las Vegas involved in these efforts.
Geez, I need a nap now.
I think it makes a huge difference if you have a relationship with someone. I mean a REALLY cood relationship with someone. If someone who you may or may not be "friends" with wants to point out some flaws in your life it would probablly not be so well accepted just because it doesnt have the foundation of security and love that it would if it were someone that you had a bond with. I think if you know someones heart then you are much more willing to accept correction from them. I think its important as well, to evaluate why we want to fix people. Is it for Their good or for our own? Thats my experience and opinion anyway. :)
Your godfather is so wise. How blessed you are.
I agree to that its important as well, to evaluate why we want to fix people. Is it for Their good or for our own?
I also agree with Lora that gentle is best. If it is done in a loving way.
I know for me, I would also rather be told. I hate feeling like I have done something to offend someone or like I am heading in the wrong direction but no one has the heart to tell me. I think love also has a lot to do with it. I know like in the case of my father...he would take it as rejection and not speak to me for awhile. But my mom is a different story.
I used to be defensive, but now I feel it is an honor that someone would love me enough or thinks enough of me to feel that I know how I either hurt them or how my imperfections are slowing down my growth or someone else's.
I know for me, too that someone else's imperfections stir irritation with in me when it is something I am battling within my self as well. Almost like looking in a mirror in some ways.
Maybe confrontation is for both the confronter and the confrontee. People can't always see from the inside what they look like to others on the outside. And bear in mind how you would want to be handled yourself.
Of course, I would think coming from you, Bethany, it would be a loving confrontation anyway.
I hope whoever you are considering prayerfully confronting has the open ears and an open heart to know it is in love.
Take care and have a wonderful day.
i'm really into confrontation myself so when everyone else finally is ok with me being lord of the universe we'll all be better off, lol :)
Not sure if this is in the same category as where you're headed, but it made sense when I heard it, not that I'm going to call all my family and friends to come poke at me BUT........a guy was speaking at church Sunday. He got on a side note of this thing the Quakers (I think it was...) used to do. And I forgot what he called it, but it had a name. A group of folks would gather with a friend or family member. The folks participating were folks that had relationship with the person in the "hot seat." they would have a talk and point out flaws and things that needed to be worked on and from what it sounded like, the person was receptive and used the experience to better themselves. He/she would listen and then have a goal to work on some of these things. I don't think they were all "jabs" there were uplifting things as well. But I have often wondered what my sister thinks of how I do this, or what my friend thinks about that....and I think I'd be curious to get a few folks together and ask some pointed questions........but then the way I take things so personally, I might just walk away absolutely crushed. ON the other hand, I might be surprised and realize that I beat myself up the hardest over things I shouldn't. does this make any sense? has anyone ever heard of this? did I just eat too many nachos before bed???
Haven't heard of this process, but it sounds mighty challenging on many levels. Sounds like a new reality show. But real.
ok, patty goes first...
I wonder if (pulling a godfather...) growing up in a community that actually has communal flava would lead to this naturally. Personally I dig a hot seat - but I don't think I could process all the info (pos and neg) if presented at one time.
This process could be a great excercise in humility. I believe you aren't allowed to explain or defend yourself.
Beth, that sounds about right. I think that part of the deal is that you allow yourself to hear what others think in order to gain perspective with how that measures up against how you think you are perceived. It is a good practice to abandon defense thought processes and just hear others' perceptions (right or wrong) of you. It tells you both how your actions are perceived and also something about others' abilities to perceive. Tenuous territory here. Words sound convoluted in describing these types of processes. Or maybe just mine sound that way.
Perceive me?
Hey there Bethers,
I just saw your blog on Levi's and wanted to say hello and how much we miss you all, Buffalo is great and God is moving and we are blessed to be in the middle. As to the ugly stuff I agree with a few others in asking first "Why am I so bothered by the ugliness" Is is because I love the person so much and I see all the hard caused to them, or because it drives me crazy and I want to choke them. Are they ready to hear it? Is God moving or am I? Hey did I mention that I miss you, not to mention we have the huge old house with bare walls, a few tips would be great. Have you ever seen the falls, come and stay for a while if you like...Love you all kiss those kiddies and give Lester a hearty hello from us..
Tamy
I think a good healthy dose of wisdom before confronting is always a good idea. I don't really have a problem with confrontation,(too many mexico trips with teenage girls) but I am learning about WHEN. Is this a phase? We've all been through really gross and painful phases, but the thing is, we grew out of them. I have all of my junior high years in mind. Thank God SOMEONE was willing to simply love and let live during those years. But I also appreciate now a gentle kick in the butt.
Does this person bother you because they are human? Because their inner diamond is REALLY packaged well in gross, fleshly outerness? Are we mature enough to let go and offer love?
I have a hard time walking the line between wise love and my own more selfish brand of love. I mean I really could love some people better if they would just grow up and stop whining.
Confrontation is difficult enough on it's own (and costly to time and emotion). I think allowing areas to stew an bit -.." slow to speak, quick to listen" never hurts. And having a safe person to bounce your emotional humanity off of helps with processing action/inaction.
That and sending small mail bomb.
Well, I'm not sure if I could ever be on the "hot seat," I have much too fragile self-esteem for that. I think we have to look at our own motivation for wanting to do this. Confrontation is usually very painful, dispite our best efforts to be kind. Why do we feel that we have the authority to confront? Are we flawless?
Obviously, there are times that we are in a position of authority over someone that would make this situation necessary, but in every day life, confrontation usually ends up being messy.
I think there is a difference between confrontation and CONFRONTATION, too. Like "could you please tell your son to stop wiping his bugars on my car" vs "have you ever considered that 12 beers a day might be quenching more than just physical thirst"?
LOL!
she has to tell me that everyday.....
the boogars one, not the 12 beers, i only down about 10 of those.
l.
Good thing, Levi. 10 beers a day, completely innocuous... 11 beers a day, bordering on dangerous... 12 beers a day, full on alcoholism. You really dodged a bullet there, buddy. :)
Just one more comment from the peanut gallery. When I was a youth sponsor I was advised to never make a withdrawal without making a deposit. Investing in someone emotionally before you try and correct seems to work more effectively. And hopefully the process will continue with love.
LLLLOOOOOVVVVE that.
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